


Through the Clouds

by elem (elem44)



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Episode Tag, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-02
Updated: 2017-07-02
Packaged: 2018-11-22 14:53:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,921
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11382474
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elem44/pseuds/elem
Summary: Resolutions episode addition. Kathryn misses New Earth. Written forFic101 Challenge





	Through the Clouds

The alarm sounds and she rolls over and opens her eyes. A groan escapes. Grey. All around her is grey. Of varying shades, but unrelenting in its gloom.

Slamming her eyes shut again she tries to blot out her bleak surroundings, but it doesn’t work. Behind her eyelids there is only a darker shade of grey, so forcing her eyes open she looks around her bedroom. Grey walls, grey floor, grey furnishings, grey everything. What is it with Starfleet? Would a little colour be too much to ask? The answer is obvious.

With a concerted effort she attempts to shake off the lethargy, and drags her weary body from the bed, trudging into the bathroom to stand in front of the mirror.

Her reflection is revealing and a little disturbing. All she can see is misery surrounded by grey. God, she has to pull herself out of this funk. It isn’t getting any better. In fact, she has the horrible suspicion that it’s now so deeply entrenched, it’s like a leaden weight in her gut, dragging her down, down, down into dark swirling depths.

Her head drops back in exasperation. ‘Oh, for god’s sake woman. Get showered and dressed, haul your ass up to the bridge and just get on with it. You can’t afford to do this.’

After a quick spin around the sonic shower, a fresh uniform, hair done and a hot cup of coffee, she’s ready to start the day. Almost.

Dumping the empty mug in the recycler, she sighs and heads out the door. She’s as ready as she’ll ever be.

Harry smiles in her direction as she exits the lift and Tuvok acknowledges her with a nod. Tom swings around from the con and grins, while Chakotay smiles at her distractedly as he inputs information on their shared console.

The bridge is quiet. She’d been hoping for something to occupy her, or at least distract her, but all is calm.

“Good morning, everyone.” She tries to sound cheerful, but even to her ears it sounds forced. Damn it.

With a flourish, Chakotay taps his finger on the console one last time and turns to her with a smile. “Done. Good morning, Captain.”

She raises her eyebrows in question.

He shrugs. “Crew rosters for next month. I wanted to get them out of the way.”

So he can do what, she wonders? He seems so full of enthusiasm that she has a hard time not rolling her eyes and groaning.

She’s bored to the back teeth. With everything.

The viewscreen shows the usual dark blanket of space, dotted with stars. Nothing new there, so with a muted sigh, she stands up. “You have the bridge, Commander.”

Without a backward glance, she trots down the stairs and is swallowed by her ready room doors.

Her back thuds against the closed doors and she stifles a groan. Actually, it’s more like a muffled scream, but she’s even too apathetic to let that happen.

Kicking herself away from the doors she propels herself towards her desk. A pile of padds is stacked there, looking just like every other pile of padds she’s read over the last two and a bit years.

Where has this soul destroying ennui come from? And why now?

She knows the answer, but that doesn’t help. Nothing can be done about it and it only makes matters worse to dwell. Snapping her shoulders back, she marches up to her replicator and orders a double shot espresso. Maybe this will put some wind in her sails, and if not, at least it’ll get her heart pumping. Slugging down the bitter brew in one gulp, she waits for the caffeine hit.

Whoosh. There it is. Her head clears for a moment, her heart palpates and her hands and feet tingle. That’s it. Her thrill for the day. This is what her life has come to. The drudgery of everyday routine, interspersed with mind numbing close encounters with death and destruction, and the odd caffeine high. Glamorous, it isn’t.

Her eyes scan the muted décor of her ready room. There’s a tinge of aqua to the grey in here, but the walls are the same drab colour as the rest of the ship. She’s learnt to really despise grey.

Taking a quick glance out the viewport, she moves back down to her desk and sits with a thud in her chair. She likes her chair. Over time, it has moulded itself to the contours of her body. She nestles her bottom into its usual spot, leans back so the headrest supports her neck and the lumbar support presses into her spine, and picking up the first padd, she scrolls through the summary. Lists, graphs, input and output ratios. An engineering report. The stuff of nightmares. Deadly dry reading, and something she just can’t face at the moment. Shoving it to the bottom of the pile, she grabs the next padd.

This one’s a shore leave request from Chakotay. There’s an M class planet coming up on sensors that might make an appropriate stop over. He’s concerned that the crew haven’t been off the ship in over three months and some of them are becoming a little cabin feverish.

The padd drops to her lap. Over three months. Has it been that long? Not that they can really count being marooned on Hanon IV by the Kazon as shore leave, but that’s the last time the ship saw planet fall. And the time before that had been… She squeezes her eyes shut. She doesn’t want to think about it. It hurts.

New Earth.

Her shoulders sag and she curses her mutinous mind. She _really_ doesn’t want to think about it. Every time she does, tears burn and her chest aches. Heaving a shaky sigh, she curses herself for being so pathetic. But she misses it. Dreadfully.

She misses him, she misses their little house, her garden, her bath, the monkey, and she misses ‘her’ – the Kathryn she became on that far away planet. The woman who was preparing to make a life with the man she loved. That free spirited woman who is now tethered so tight inside the captain that she can barely breathe. On New Earth she’d been set free. Once she’d come to terms with their isolation, the road ahead had suddenly become clear. Her life was simple and sweet, and then Voyager returned and dropped like an impassable rock fall right in the middle of her chosen path.

Those excruciating moments as they stood together just before they beamed back to the ship, dressed in their uniforms again, and surrounded by the remnants of their idyllic life, were some of the worst she’d ever had to endure. Something had been torn from her in that moment.

The shock of seeing the grey walls of the transporter room as she materialised on Voyager, was something she’d never forget. The Kathryn of New Earth shrivelled under their oppressive presence. The grey carpet rasped under her feet and the ceiling seemed so close. No more open blue skies for her. Freedom and peace withered and misery took root.

With a sharp shake she tries to rid herself of the memories. Maybe she does need to touch solid ground again, to set her feet on earth and grass as an antidote to the grey. She knows she needs something.

With a sigh, she picks up the padd and presses her thumb to it. Permission granted. They could all do with some down time.

A small smile teases at the corners of her mouth as she places the padd carefully on her desk. She reaches for the next one in the stack. The smile fades. Another engineering report. With a groan, she begins to read.

Two weeks later they’re in orbit around the M class planet. It’s like a miniature Earth – verdant and lush around its equator, with inviting temperate zones and frozen wastelands at the poles. Great blue oceans swirl around the landmasses and from orbit one could almost believe it was home. Almost.

The rosters are posted and Chakotay has organised for every member of the crew to have at least three full days on the planet. They’ve been divided into three teams. While one group is on shore leave another will be gathering supplies. The third team will remain on board maintaining basic systems at station keeping.

Kathryn was placed on the first leave rotation, and she’s impatient to get started. Scans of the planet have revealed several areas perfect for a restful shore leave. Her choice is a lush valley in the warm sub tropical region. A river meanders through it, rolling hills are all around, and it’s not too far from the ocean. Gathering her belongings she makes her way to deck five, but as she rushes towards the transporter room, busily rummaging through her bag, she doesn’t notice someone coming in the opposite direction. Before she knows what’s happening, they collide and this someone grabs her by the shoulders to stop her falling.

“Whoa, where’s the fire?” Chakotay laughs.

She grins up at him. “Oh, I’m sorry, Chakotay. I was just checking to make sure I’ve got everything. I’m about to transport down to the planet.”

He smiles. “Have a wonderful time, Kathryn, and let me know what you think of the area. I’m heading down there shortly to gather supplies.”

She nods. “I will.”

He smiles at her again, and his hands stroke lightly down her arms as he lets her go. Then with a brisk nod he turns away and heads down the corridor towards the turbo lift. She watches him walk away and the strangest feeling settles in the pit of her stomach.

She takes a few moments to contemplate the grey floor and humming quietly to herself, she moves slowly towards the transporter room.

Ensign Mulchaey is at the controls and smiles warmly at her as she takes her place on the platform.

“Your co-ordinates are locked in, Captain. Have a nice break.”

“Thank you, Ensign. Energise.”

She materialises in knee high grass on the lee side of the hill, with the sun at her back and a taste of salt in the air as a gentle breeze blows in from the sea. She takes a deep breath and looks across the valley, over the smaller hills, to the ocean beyond. It’s a glorious view.

Behind her, set amongst the trees, is a small cabin that has been erected for her use. She makes her way up the hill, and tosses her bag inside the shelter. Grabbing her tricorder and a water bottle, she takes off to explore. Her destination is the ocean. It’s a good hour or two’s trek away, but it looks so inviting. The blue water lures her like a magnet.

It isn’t difficult terrain to traverse, but about half way there she stops to rest. She stands on top of a small rise with forest behind her, sweeping grasslands in front and the ocean in the distance. After a few deep breaths she sits in amongst the long grass. The breeze blows gently through the trees and caresses her skin. The slight dampness of the ground seeps into the seat of her pants, but she doesn’t care. It’s all so peaceful and free. Her hand curls into the grass and the moist earth, and taking a handful she brings it close to her face and breathes deeply. It smells rich and earthy, alive and real, and so familiar. She closes her eyes. God, she misses it so.

Time seems to slow as snapshots of their life on New Earth flash through her mind. Laughter, tears, serenity, turmoil, and underneath it all, this wonderful sense of belonging and of things beginning. The rightness of being together. It should be like that. How could that possibly be wrong?

She’s not sure how long she’s been sitting there, but notices that the sun is lower in the sky and the world around her is lit by a warm glow. There’s a stillness in the air and her senses are heightened.

She feels his presence before she sees him.

“Kathryn?” It’s a whisper carried on the breeze.

Turning slowly she looks at him.

He moves to her side and sits slowly, his shoulder touching hers in silent support. “I was worried. Sensors showed you hadn’t moved in over two hours. I hope you don’t mind?”

Kathryn smiles at him and shakes her head. “No, of course not.” It’s him. Why would she mind? The touch of his shoulder sends a warm thrum through her. This is right. This is how it should be.

Lifting her hand, the one filled with grass and dirt, she holds it out towards him. “Smell this, Chakotay. What does it remind you of?”

He takes her hand in his and he pulls it towards him. Breathing deeply, he closes his eyes and smiles. “New Earth,” he whispers. “It reminds me of New Earth.”

She nods and watches as his eyes open and look steadily into hers. Then he turns, still holding her hand as he gazes out over the valley to the sea. “Do you miss it, Kathryn?”

She nods again, her throat is too thick to speak. He isn’t looking at her, so she rasps out a, “Yes, terribly. You?”

He doesn’t answer, but turns to her, his dark eyes brimming with pain and longing.

Tears burn in her eyes.

To break the aching tension, she collapses back onto the grass to look at the sky. With a tug on his hand, she pulls him down beside her, letting the dirt and grass fall from her grasp. There’s something else she needs to hold onto now. She clasps his hand in hers and holds it over her belly.

Looking around her she finds they’re surrounded by a dense wall of grass. It cocoons them. Hides and embraces them.

He’s watching her.

Rolling to her side, she raises herself on her elbow and moves closer, still holding his hand in hers. With a little more shuffling her face is only inches from his. Their eyes meet for a long moment and then he smiles. With a groan she falls on his lips. It’s a clumsy kiss. Rushed and at the wrong angle, but at last there is a kiss. The finer points can be worked out later, but for now it’s a promise of a future. She pulls away with a sigh and slumps backwards onto the grass again. With her free hand she plucks a blade of grass and studies it, then looking around she catches him grinning at her. She can’t help smiling as he tugs at her hand.

“What are you thinking about, Kathryn?”

She shrugs. “Colours.”

He frowns. “Colours?”

“How I miss colours. I’ve been grey for so long. Everything around me was grey. I couldn’t see past it, through it. It surrounded me, engulfing me.”

“Oh, Kathryn. Why didn’t you say something?”

She shakes her head. “How could I? I’m the Captain.”

He squeezes her hand.

She squeezes back. “But I think I’ve finally figured it out.”

“Hmmm?”

“What I’ve been missing.” She shoots a look at him, and reaches up and touches his tattoo. “I left a piece of me behind on New Earth. A vital piece. It was sown into my garden, washed away in my bathtub, tilled into the soil, and probably snagged by the branches of the trees.”

He frowns at her. She knows she’s not making much sense.

“It’s taken me quite some time to work it out, Chakotay.”

“What, Kathryn?”

“I miss the green. It was that part of me that I left behind. The living, breathing, growing part of me. I’ve been stagnating ever since we left New Earth.” She twirls the grass stem in front of them both. “Green. It’s the one colour you never see on a starship. Grey and blue, red and yellow, but never green. But it’s life, Chakotay. Its nature and its living and it’s a big part of what I miss about New Earth. Do you understand?”

Pulling a blade of grass for himself he leans over her and whispers it across her lips. “I understand perfectly, Kathryn. But we can’t take this with us. Unless you’re thinking of staying.”

She shakes her head. “No. I want to go home. To Earth, but,” She points the blade of grass towards the sky. Towards Voyager. “I need to be able to grow there too, Chakotay.”

He nods his understanding.

“There’s something else I miss from New Earth.” Leaning forward she brushes her lips across his. “I miss us, and what we were becoming.”

“I miss that too, Kathryn. I miss that very much.” He cups her cheek in his hand. “We can do something about that, you know?”

She nods. “We certainly can.” This time the kiss is on target. Lips soften, mouths open and breath is stolen. They pull apart and she smiles. “Consider it done.” He slumps back onto the grass, and she sees relief wash over him.

Draping her arm over his chest, she lays her head on his shoulder and holds him tight. “Can you review the roster and organise for the First Officer to have some time off over the next three days?”

He smiles and kisses her head. “Consider it done.”

Her hand curls into the fabric of his jacket and she relaxes against him. He tugs her close and they smile.

_Fin_


End file.
